I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
