I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
