She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
