every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Randomize
