I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
