I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Randomize
