Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
