On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
The police scanner is talking about you again....
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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