K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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