i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
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