i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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