I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
