How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
