My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
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