she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Are my feet made of real feet?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
