you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
