I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Randomize
