thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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