Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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