I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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