if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
