i think i have herpe
just one?
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Can you bring me the toilet please
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
