some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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