so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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