How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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