i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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