if i can run in heels then i can drive
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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