i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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