Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
