wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
