just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
