Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
