Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
