This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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