Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Damn victory sex feels great
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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