No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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