u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
