I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
