i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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