I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Randomize
