I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
