He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
