I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Someone shattered a urinal.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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