i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
