just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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