I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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