booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Randomize
