just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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