i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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