My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
