Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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