you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
